Tonight was a war. 

I felt it start in my spirit. My intuition, the part of me that usually senses the truth was under attack. It was flooded with threats of despair, telling me that there was no way out and no hope left. It felt so real that it seeped into my soul. My emotions caught fire, and I felt a strange, dark kind of courage. It was not the courage to fight for my life, but the courage to break my own conscience. I thought to cut my own throat seemed simple.  

But in the middle of that darkness, my intelligence stood its ground. It looked at the despair, looked at the threats, and called them what they were: lies. My intelligence knew that this was not right and that it was not the truth. It acted as a shield, refusing to let my free will follow my emotions off the cliff. 

I remembered that God loves me. I remembered that I can trust Him. I stopped fighting the battle with my own strength and moved into communion. I called out to Him for help. Slowly, a stillness came over my emotions. I was not completely "fixed" in a second, but I was comforted just enough to know that my joy would come in the morning. I just had to wait on God. And so, I waited. 

Reflections: The Battle Within 

I have been thinking about where that force came from. It felt like a spiritual attack, a deliberate attempt to isolate me from God and trick me into believing that despair is the only truth. 

But I also have to acknowledge the physical side of this fight. I spent years as an extreme bulimic. I spent years stripping my body and my brain of the very things it needs to stay stable. I know now that my brain is made of fat and nutrients, things I pushed away for a long time. When my "hardware" is depleted, the "software" of my emotions can crash. My intuition becomes vulnerable, and my "brakes" (my serotonin) fail. 

The despair I felt was not  just a spiritual battle; it was a physical one. My brain is trying to heal from the years of malnutrition. I am learning that taking care of my body by eating the fats and nutrients I once rejected is actually a spiritual act. It is how I build the fortress that protects my soul.

Moving Forward

I am a work in progress. I am learning to balance three things:

1. My Spirit: Continuing to commune with God so that I am never fighting alone.

2. My Soul: Trusting my intelligence to identify the lies and keep my free will safe.

3. My Body: Healing the damage of the past by nourishing my brain and giving it the fuel it needs to stay stable.

The night was dark, but the morning came. I am still here. I am learning to trust the process, trust the nutrition, and most of all, trust God and plead the Blood of Jesus Christ!!

If you or someone you know is feeling a sense of despair, there is help.  Call 988 or visit  https://sprc.org/.